How To Stop Fighting? Am I A Bad Wife?
Posted on 20. Feb, 2012 by admin in Uncategorized
I fight with my husband a lot. He is very patient and understanding, but not perfect. And every time he does something not the way I want him to do it I correct him with a smart *** remark, or start a fight… I know it sounds ridiculous. The problem is that at the moment of anger I don’t understand how wrong I am. The understanding comes later, when the damage is done.
He loves me, and he accepts my apologies every time. And he apologize for his mistakes. And everything is good afterwards. Till that happens again, usually in a week or so.
Like yesterday:
I work on Sundays in the grocery store to make some extra cash, he is in school two nights a week (we both have full-time jobs). I called him on the way from work to check how things are (he needed to finish an essay for his class). He said he is not done yet. I got very mad: I worked 8 hours on my day-off, got home and had to cook, and he couldn’t even write one page of text for the assignment yet. It was a big fight, i cried, etc. It was awful. Two hours later I cool down, we talked… I was so wrong.
It takes him longer to write his thoughts down, the task he was working on was apparently a hard one, and we both know that to graduate he need to get an A on the class, so he has to put an extra afford…. We worked on it together for an hour… I felt so guilty…
So the same think happens every time, I get mad, start a fight, we fight, then talk, then forgive each other. And couple hours later I realize that I was very-very wrong. But I put our relationships through that way too often.
I’m afraid, that he will stop loving me or will feed up with my hysterical behavior. I know he loves me, but nobody would want to deal with that the whole life.
We are married for almost 3 years (no kids yet).
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11 Responses to “How To Stop Fighting? Am I A Bad Wife?”
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Sunshine
20. Feb, 2012
You’ll get good answers from the experts and members at Askusweb.com
Pearl
20. Feb, 2012
Well stop doing it then.
beks
20. Feb, 2012
i’ve been married to my hubby for 4 years and we have 2 kids and i do this exact same thing.. in fact about a month ago he started talking to another women (he says there just friends and he just needed someone to talk to.. just a whole nother issue) anyway.. we talked about that cause it really upset me and he said he started talking to her because of me starting fights.. it openned my eyes and i’ve stopped with getting so upset over little things but i kind of think it’s too late for us.. idk.. if i where you i would work really hard on stopping the fighting over little things.. cause yes he’ll put up with it for awhile but then he’ll get tired of it.. good luck to you i hope you can fix it before you get to where i am at!
Robin K
21. Feb, 2012
Its good that you are aware of what is going on and that you want to change your pattern of behaviour for good. It is possible with self-discipline. Just develop a habit of noting down the thing that irritates you about him. Tell yourself that I need to convey this to him a bit later, postpone it. If this doesnt help, please take professional counselling and follow their advice. There are high chances that you will benefit.
Shelly
21. Feb, 2012
Sounds like you are extremely stressed and just want to take it out on someone. The next time you feel yourself getting upset over something try to cool down before you say something or just let it go and try to understand that your husband has a lot of stress to.
rick
21. Feb, 2012
you need to get help with anger issues.. Fast.. Now.. What will happen when the babys diaper needs changing..?
Simpleto
21. Feb, 2012
I don’t think you REALLY get how permanent the damage is that you are doing.
The gravity of what you are doing is far greater than you can imagine. Think of the love between you as a bank account. You are making far bigger withdrawals than deposits. This means that in very short order, you will be so in debt that nothing you can do will ‘deposit’ enough to cover the damages.
You are correct in that there will no longer be love but you are wrong in that HE won’t stop loving you, you will STOP him from loving you. It won’t be something he chooses. It will be what you have chosen.
Feeling guilty is pointless. Wanting forgiveness is pointless. Realizing you were wrong is pointless. The only thing that matters is that you stop damaging your relationship. He can never repair and heal until you stop. It will only get worse.
You may think he still loves you as much but what you are seeing is a continuation of a behavioral habit. Like saying ‘I love you’ at the end of a phone call with you… it’s habit and he knows that if he stops behaving the same way you will overreact instead of changing what is causing his lack of love.
So, he keeps showing you the same amount of love. But don’t be fooled by that. You can’t keep damaging him and expect him to feel the same about you.
The real problem is that you are getting very near the fail marker. That’s the tipping point at which you go from being loved to being loathed. You are getting near it. You are safe as long as you start repairing faster than you damage. As long as you keep eeking closer to that tipping point, you will never succeed in staying married.
Once you cross that line, it’s nearly impossible to come back and it will certainly never be the same.
Stop thinking and start doing. Just stop. Period.
Gary
21. Feb, 2012
He may very well stop loving you or at the least become resentful. The good thing is that you at least recognize this destructive behavior and you even worked on the paper together. How awesome is that?!?
It sounds to me like you might have some anger management issues. Look back at your own childhood; did someone treat you like that as well? If you’re in school, chances are you probably have resources to free counseling. If you don’t counseling is a lot cheaper than a divorce and it will be quite difficult for you to change this behavior on your own. All that guilt you have about how you’ve treated him in the past and continuing to do it will become a very vicious cycle. And then if you do have children, it’s quite likely you may subject them to the same kind of behavior.
You should be very proud of yourself for wanting to fix this. Focus on how you are taking responsibility for your actions and move forward. You are wanting emotional growth; don’t let life get in the way of becoming that emotionally self-actualized person you’re trying to be.
Brandy
21. Feb, 2012
Honestly it sounds more like you are frazzled, stressed out, overwhelmed and taking it all out on him. I bet you have alot of anxiety too. I know because you sound alot like me … and the things you are afraid of .. they will happen for sure. It is only a matter of time. Even the most patient, loving, understanding men eventually get sick of it, stop trying and give up. They fall out of love with women who behave like us. I know I do it because I’m insecure and need constant reassuring that he won’t leave me. I have abandonment issues because my dad suddenly died on me when I was young and my mom was always very cruel and abusive to me. I sabotage all of my relationships with men because I can’t control my temper and emotions. He loves you and is with you because he sees the real you through all your anger but that will only last so long. You need to find some kind of support system that will help you sort out why you are doing this. Once you figure that out then you can insert better coping mechanisms in place of the fighting and what not. If you can see a therapist you should, if not talk to someone else you trust about this. Keep communication open with your husband, tell him you know you have a problem and you need his help to figure out how you can sort it all out. Maybe he has some good ideas on where to start. Don’t give up, good men are sooo hard to find these days.
Lgit
21. Feb, 2012
The good news is that you realize that you have a problem. The bad news is that you’re driving away a good man. You have to get it together fast! There is a limit to your husband’s patience and eventually, he will tire of the rollercoaster rides of fighting and you appologizing for going off. He will leave you, or will be attracted to some other woman who is less dramatic and then you’ll really have some problems. He is not a doormat and you need to stop taking him for granted. Think before you speak! I would suggest some anger management counseling for you.
H A E
22. Feb, 2012
This is emotional abuse. It’s the same as if you hit him her (or if he hit you). That base instinct to lash out is hard to overcome. Seriously, the ONLY program I’ve seen work in the long-term is the bootcamp in the Love Without Hurt book by Steve Stonsky. He presents a method for rewiring your instinctual reactions. It takes a LOT of time and energy, but it is effective.
Good luck.